I feel vain whenever I write in this blog and reread it days later. I know it's a way of letting all of my thoughts and emotions out... but am I really this self-centered? I mean, who wants to read about this crap that goes on in my head? I guess I'm also being somewhat of a hypocrite writing about how vain I am when in reality writing about how vain you really are is just an act of being... vain. Blah blah yadda yadda yadda. I've never said 'vain' so many times before!

I've realized lately that I'm a doormat. I let people walk all over me. I do whatever they want, I make dinners, don't express how I really feel, avoid controversy at all costs. Especially towards my new roommates. I go out of my fucking way to drive them places, help them out, make dinner for them.. and it's still just the 3 of them... I generally feel used. I have a hard time standing up for myself when it comes to stuff like this... if you even consider that standing up for yourself.

I feel like a failure. I need to step up everything in my life..

Nemo is clawing at the door trying to get in my room. I would let him in but it's 8:15 am and there is no way in hell I'm getting up. Why am I even awake? I made a bet with Ryan seeing who could sleep in longer. I guess I lose because I've been up since 7. My brain hurts.

I went out to eat with my parents last night and for once... I can really say I enjoyed it. I'm growing up... I've still got a lot to go but I can honestly say, when the timing is right, I can act like a mature 20 year old. But then again I'll make a sex joke and any kind of maturity I had just kind of crumbles away.

Is it spring break yet? I can't waiiittt to go to Busch Gardens. More importantly, I can't wait to go to the NEW HARRY POTTER WORLD at Universal over Memorial Day weekend. I'm literally going to pee my pants. I am that excited. I saw a commercial last night and I started yelling and jumping up and down. (ok that is a lie, it was around 12 am so I was laying down on the couch... but I was skipping on the inside)

Nemo stop clawing! You stupid cunt. He's so fat he just sprawls across my bed and takes up all the space, and I'm too nice to kick him off. Just like yesterday when Daisy was next to me on the futon and she started farting up a storm. I'll call her out but she'll just stare at me with those little brown eyes like I'm insane. WOW am I really that delirious in the morning that I'm talking about my dog's farts? Yes. Disgusting. Epic. Magic.

I went to the doctor today for my first.. urmm.. checkup. Heh, I won't go into details but it was pretty awkward. That's all I'm going to say.

I neeeed to go backkkk to sleeeeeeep. This is ridiculous. I need drugs to help me sleep in. Ok maybe not.. maybe I should stop drinking caffeiene until one in the morning. Maybe.. I'm addicted. I now go through a 12 pack of Coke Zero cans in less than a week. I drank 6 in a day when I was studying for that history test...

OKAY enough ranting for this morning. I'm going to try my best and fall back asleep.

Overdue

I know that nobody reads this... but I suppose it IS nice to get my thoughts and concerns away from my head and my homework and onto a screen where I can always look it back up. RUN ON. Here I am, sitting in the library, procrastinating. My posts from a year ago are hilarious to look at. I thought my life was shit then... and looking back... well, it was alright. Life now is better I suppose... after a semester of terrible grades and the ultimate shit from the parents has undoubtedly made me stronger and more mature. However, I'm still obviously susceptible to falling back into my old ways.. IE: waiting until the night before to study and write papers. I really do need to do a good job this year.

I'm driving up to see Ryan tomorrow. 8 1/2 hours. The things I do for love. HA well it's definitely all worth it. If you had asked me a year ago if I would be in this intense relationship I am now, I would have laughed at you. I liked being single. Ohh well, love hits you across the face when you least expect it.. and all I have now is a whole heart and a scar on my cheek.

I must go study now.

Peace out, readers. (If anyone other than me actually reads this, that is.)

I'm always worried about my own originality. I used to think that I had unique thoughts and theories... but then I thought, well maybe everyone else thinks the exact same thing. The sad part is that I'll never know exactly what anyone else is thinking, even through discussion. I'll never be able to fully understand the intricacy of another person's mind.

Anyway, I had a great time at Lake Berkeley today. It was stupid fun. I love having friends that I can go completely crazy with, god knows I'm extremely random. I have a hard time distinguishing between friendship.. and well liking someone a little more than friendship. We have the same personality. Imagine that. Maybe it's too soon. There's no way in hell I'm going to say anything to anyone about this (except you blog and my 2 followers :P). I feel like I'm leaning over a ledge... Should I steady myself or fall head first? Should I determine friendship or fall into like and face rejection? If I see a sign from him pointing over the ledge... I'll know, but for now I'll stay unsure and wait it out. I'm so used to rushing things that this may seem hard, but I have a feeling it's going to be worth it to wait it out. I've fallen for the idea of a person... but not the actually person, 99% of the time. I love the idea of this person, but I need to figure the rest out.

I think I deserve a chance at love.

Here I am again, lounging around my dorm for the second day in a row. I'm such an introvert it's ridiculous sometimes. I can be perfectly content 98% of the time. My head is racing, perhaps from that extra large diet coke from Chili's with the parents. They came down to Milledgefuck today to help me move my fridge, futon, etc, out of the room. The walls are bare... nothing but the desk on the floor.

It's a gorgeous day and I've barely been outside.. :/ Oh well, I'll be out in a little bit.

I don't know what to do about my major. Spanish classes here are the shits... and I haven't taken any art classes yet so I can't be sure about that one. But we'll see. I would absolutely love taking some creative writing classes, too bad there aren't any open though.

I hope my parents won't be too pissed when I paint my walls this summer. Ehh, they can deal. They've dealt with many more permanent things before.

Ehhh... mind blank. I'll get back to this later.

Good Morning. It's 1:00 pm, I love college sometimes.
What an interesting, drunken night.
Rereading my texts are always nice... watching a guy throw up in a cup right in front of you, not so nice.

I really want to get my tattoo redone. Get some colors in there to mix it up.

Short blog post.

Gotta shower, get the bar smell outta me, and head to Statistics.

I'm ready to get out of here. It's hard for me to make the best of things when I'm stuck in this goddamn drafty, lonely dorm room. I've realized that my closest friends are the ones at home. Sure, I've got some good ones here... but it hasn't been enough to get me by lately.

AH my problems are irrelevant. I make a big deal over little problems. I shouldn't even be talking about this right now.